some fun ..

[cuzgeorge]

I just love these happy ending stories
On June 29th, a group of Orlando, Florida, bikers were riding south on I-275 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Skyway Bridge.

So they stopped.

biker.jpg

George Dawson, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether (s)he jumped or was pushed....



.

[cuzgeorge]

Dedication and Focus!

burning house.jpg

It was later reported that his wife got out safely, and that he did indeed par the hole.
He says the divorce isn't going to be that bad, now that there's no house involved!

[cuzgeorge]

1 Second Before Pics....

[SteveHopwood]

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Queensland & NSW, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!' More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.' There is total silence. The
Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him!'

[SteveHopwood]

Out of curiosity, I googled, "What does a trillion look like?".

This shows it nicely. Mind-blowing. http://www.pagetutor.com/trillion/index.html

[SteveHopwood]

Everyone likes a laugh or several at my expense, so here goes a couple.

PJ is 11 years old, just. He has been learning about 3 months. He is a 'natural' i.e. covers in a fortnight the ground covered by most kids in 3-6 months. He is also the grandchild of Maggie next door, who pays for his piano lessons. PJ and his siblings or parts thereof, are often in evidence next door.

I have a solo recital coming up soon, and so am doing a half-way decent amount of practise. We have finally achieved something remotely resembling Summer here in the UK, and so my windows were open today whilst I was practising.

I heard Littlest Grandchild inquire of Maggie, "Is that PJ playing?" Then the reply, "No darling. That is Steve, his teacher." Brief pause, then, "Oh good. Couldn't stand it if PJ made so much noise."

That is one 4 year old's cards marked.

Then we have the Hedgehog Stabbing Incident.

I feed Hoggies. I have a tiny garden - but large enough for my needs. All I want is to be able to sit out with something pleasantly alcoholic on the 20 or so nights of the year that this is possible at the end of a day.

The bottom of the garden is enclosed by two rockeries that create a small gap through which any ground-hugging life form has to pass should it wish to avail itself of anything in its path. I place Hoggie food in a dish in a well-sheltered area just underneath our living room.

I love sitting in the garden and watching the Hoggies first appear out of the gloom (they only appear at dusk or later). There is first a slightly darker black than appeared just before, then said shadow moves......

Then said shadow launches into the undergrowth and crashes and thunders around until it reaches the Hoggie food set out for it. Not entirely sure what it is doing whilst crashing and thundering, but the garden has not died yet.

So, the stabbing incident?

Bear in mind that this was well before dusk - the Hoggies' fav foraging time. I remembered I had not put down the food and so went to do so. Without thinking, I grabbed for the food bowl. Bear in mind that I have deliberately placed this in a quiet and hard-to-see spot.

Turned out that the quiet and hard-to-see spot was occupied by a quiet and hard-to-see Hoggie.

On whose spines I stabbed myself.

Hard.

Sharp thingies, Hoggie spines.

Hey ho.

[Jemook]

Steve Hopwood VS:

sonic-the-hedgehog_1318971647.jpg

[fxozgirl]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[dudest]

@fxozgirl: LOLEST!! ROTFLOL!

[phil_trade]

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