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| some fun .. https://www.stevehopwoodforex.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?t=249 |
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| Author: | SteveHopwood [ Sun Sep 23, 2012 10:33 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Priceless, if you live in the UK and know what is going on h |
Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"? Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!" Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity." Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed." Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?" Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at." Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, deputy Prime Minister?" |
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| Author: | Durante [ Mon Sep 24, 2012 10:28 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: some fun .. |
Ha ha. We've the same one circling around Australia, only replacing Clegg with Prime Minister Gillard |
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| Author: | thomasmore [ Mon Sep 24, 2012 2:09 pm ] |
| Post subject: | The Irish priest (or any other nationality..) |
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. > He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. > During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock? ' All the men stood up. > 'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock? ' All the women stood up. > 'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?Half the women stood up. > 'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock? ' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. > The priest fainted. |
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| Author: | cuzgeorge [ Thu Sep 27, 2012 7:09 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: some fun .. |
Dating Protocol World Wide WHITE WOMEN: First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit. Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position. SCOTTISH WOMEN: First Date: You both get blinding drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blinding drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blinding drunk and have sex. ITALIAN WOMEN: First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress. CHINESE WOMEN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen. INDIAN WOMEN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. BLACK WOMEN: First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you. MEXICAN WOMEN: First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She's pregnant. Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip. JEWISH WOMEN: First Date: You spend all your money to impress her. Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier ARAB WOMEN: First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out. Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats. No third date: The POINT? 'DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SCOTTISH WOMEN' |
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| Author: | cuzgeorge [ Sat Sep 29, 2012 10:51 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: some fun .. |
Police: Mrs, your husband had an accident. Plse come to identify his body now. Wife: I am watching Coronation Street now. You take a photo and tag me on facebook, If it's him, I'll click "Like" |
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| Author: | SteveHopwood [ Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:09 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: some fun .. |
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sittingin a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consideryou, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?' |
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| Author: | Sojourner [ Thu Nov 01, 2012 8:16 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: some fun .. |
So this little boy was sitting on the curb, playing with this little bottle of liquid and a priest comes along and say's, "Whatcha got there, son?" and the little boy says, "This here is turpentine! It's the most powerful liquid in the universe!" The priest thought for a moment and pulled a vial out of his pocket and said, "This here is holy water. It is the most powerful in the universe." The boy asked, "Well what can that do?" Said the priest, "Well I can just rub a dab of this on a mother-to-be's tummy and she's sure to pass a healthy baby boy!" "That's nothing.", said the boy, "I can can rub just a dab of this on my cat's butt and he'll pass a motorcycle!" |
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| Author: | cuzgeorge [ Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:37 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: some fun .. |
Hi All, dont know how to paste picture s in a post so attached instead. cuz |
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| Author: | niepce [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 4:33 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: some fun .. |
Market Terminology Explained · Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low. · Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower. · B.roker - Poorer than you were last year. · P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing. · Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell. · Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock. · Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. · Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex. · Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves. · Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes. · Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks. · Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. · Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail. · Cisco - Side kick of Poncho. · Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share. · Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share. · Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house. |
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| Author: | cuzgeorge [ Sat Jan 12, 2013 9:47 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: some fun .. |
Had to post this pic taken off a Melbourne Train. Sorry upside-downers, no offense intended, just a good laugh and nice to see a country where they allowed to say it, as it is! Taken off a web blog i usually visit for a good laugh if you understand South African Humour. http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2013/01/11/a ... re-having/ |
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