some fun ..

[SteveHopwood]

BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST! *
> >
> >*One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
> >'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it
> >would take a few inches off of your butt!'*
> >
> >*His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
> >comment go unrewarded.*
> >
> >*The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his
> >drawer.. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust'
> >cloud appeared when he shook them out.*
> >*'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in
> >my underwear?'*
> >*She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!*
> >*... guys just never learn, do not piss off a woman.*

[SteveHopwood]

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.


The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...


‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.


The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'


'Sure will '


The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his ..44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.


'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'


'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.


The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.


'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'


The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'


The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.


'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much.

[SteveHopwood]

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.


I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.

So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it’s the same side of the street.

I don’t have to cross the road!

[mobthehop]

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little shit head.

[garyfritz]

I frequently encounter PEBKAC problems.

Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair.

[SteveHopwood]

I was in the 'Six Item Express' lane at the supermarket, quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So - which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.
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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please; and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob.."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes;" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[fxozgirl]

The Meaty Bites Diet

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

[SteveHopwood]

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an incredibly fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm going to have that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there."

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question ....... which I got wrong. The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair ?’ Apparently the correct answer was Fiji .

A woman has a medical at the Doctors; “you are grossly overweight” he says. ”I want a second opinion”, she exclaimed "OK - you're bloody ugly as well”

[garyfritz]

A buddy of mine sent me a card:

(In case the language is not clear: a "thong" is one of those itty-bitty swimsuits with a pouch in front and a tiny strap in back)

Thong.jpg

[SteveHopwood]

Irish Sugar Test

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."