some fun ..

[Gamma_gallus]

____________________________________________________________________________
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Scares the hell out of me ..

[SteveHopwood]

Subject: TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR


Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland ....'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street
did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old
central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So
did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so

did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other

woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good
luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you
believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down,
and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking

his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'


Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.

[joancb]

-Oh it's too cold here
- So go to that corner
-Why?
- Because it is at 90º

Badum tass! XD

[Ray Singcar]

. Did you know that the word "race car" spelt backwards still spells "race car"?

B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

[garyfritz]

Did you know today (at least in the US ) is "Pi Day" ? It's March 14, 3/14.

Some musical interludes:

Mathematical Pi: http://www.stevetoner.com/ph/TonerS/mathpi.html

Just the basics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMjcqT-_ZHI

[Gamma_gallus]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed."



* * * * * * * * * * * * *


The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *


The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.


* * * * * * * * * * * * *


- I don't find them all funny but few ones are really excellent (personal opinion) -

The Top 10 Signs Your Significant Other is a Day Trader

10) Makes plans to take you to dinner at either the Plaza or Burger
King, depending on whether Bill Gates testifies that day.

09) In bed, never wants to hold a position for longer than a few
minutes.

08) Leaps off high-rise with his laptop, makes $5,000 on way down.

07) When you ask if your butt looks big in these pants he says,
"Sorry, I can't say. I have insider information."

06) Doesn't seem to notice he's been wearing the same robe and
underwear for about a week now.

05) Looks nervous every time you mention the kids' college fund.

04) Dinner last night: Duck a l'orange, caviar, creme brulee.
Dinner tonight: Gruel.

03) Helps your kid make a sign: "LEMONADE: 1 7/16"

02) 12:41pm: Offers to trade some of his French fries for some of
your onion rings.
12:47pm: Offers a few of the onion rings back to recoup lost
French fry capital.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Significant Other is a Day Trader...

01) She ain’t yelling "Yahoo!" because of you, Big Guy.

[Gamma_gallus]

Some trading vocabulary ..

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note that the first five letters in this word spell "Broke".

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your friend gave you.

BULL: Statements and expressions your broker uses to explain why his recommended stock and mutual fuands tanked during the last quarter.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in. (i.e. "The rent? Well, I'm a little short this month.

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money in the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.


Stock Analyst : The joker who caused your stock to drop

Market Correction : What happens the day after you place a trade

Double Bottom : The shape one's backside takes from sitting at a trading desk too long


* * * * * * * * * * * * *


"October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February."
Mark Twain


* * * * * * * * * * * * *


Q: What is Ben Bernanke's Favorite PC Game?
A: Roller Coaster Tycoon

[SteveHopwood]

Why do blind people never go sky-diving?


Because it scares the living daylights out of the guide dog.

[garyfritz]

Well, if you're going to get politically incorrect...

A blind person walks into a store, then picks up his guide dog by the harness and starts whirling it around his head. A store manager comes rushing over and asks "Do you need help with anything, sir??"

"No thanks," says the guy. "I'm just looking around."

[thomasmore]

Wall Street...