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Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job
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Author:  SteveHopwood [ Tue Feb 27, 2018 11:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

A couple of episodes from today:

There is a young lady in her final year at school who is often to be found in my teaching room when I pitch up at school. She was often there last year as well. I like teens and teens like oldies who like teens, so we naturally hit it off together.

I was the recipient of a couple of her teen-girl angst outpourings last year. Parents who have guided teen girls through that difficult time will be nodding sagely when I write that teen girls do not muck about when they go in for an outpouring of angst. Buys can do so as well, especially the sensitive ones, but girls really give it full throttle. :lol: She has come to trust me.

I asked her today what her plans are for next year. Starting with her and alternating, here is how the subsequent conversation went:

"I want to go to university, but I am not bright enough."

"Yes you are. What do you want to study?" <I only have to look into her eyes and listen to her talk to know that she is perfectly capable of degree-level study>

"Criminal Psychology. Trouble is, I just failed all my Psychology exams last month. I did not do the revision I needed to do."

"I used to teach 'A' level music and so know this: the results you get at 'A' level reflect with total accuracy the amount of effort you put into them. I knew within two weeks of meeting my students for the first time, the grade they were going to achieve. I was rarely wrong."

"I know. I want to do the work. Somehow the weeks are just flying by. Another one starts and I still haven't started revising properly."

A brief interjection into the conversation. There followed a lengthy description of her week - which includes working at paid jobs for 20 hours over the weekend. I thoroughly disapprove of 'A' level students working at paid jobs at all, never mind 20 hours of them. I am not in a position to criticise as I know nothing of this child's home background. She shows no obvious signs of neglect and has the self-confidence of a well-loved child, but who knows? My automatic default instinct when dealing with children, whatever the circumstances is this: what can I do right now to help this child? So I gave here the mantra I do not think many parents will argue with. Not the sane ones, anyhow.

"Sweetheart, for those who love you and are close to you, there is only one thing that you absolutely have to do, and that is turn up at home safe and sound each evening. Everything else you achieve is a bonus. The only thing you can do to cause them serious grief is not turn up at home, safe and sound. They will celebrate whatever else goes right. They will help you deal with whatever goes wrong."

She beamed at me and replied, "Thank you."

"Now go away" I growled. "I have victims coming for abuse loosely disguised as piano lessons any minute now."

She grinned, gathered up her stuff and headed for the door. As she got there I called out, "Sweetheart." She stopped and turned. I continued, "I meant it. There really is only the one thing that you absolutely have to do. Remember that."

Out came the beam again. "I will," she replied and left, but not before I growled at her retreating back, "And do some revision." "Yes sir." :lol:

------------------------------------

My first victim was clearly too terrified of The Pencil to turn up, so I was sat twiddling my thumbs. I could have done some piano practise but was not in the mood, so a period of thumb-twiddling felt like a better alternative.

Remember the door is a long way diagonally across and hidden by a small partition, so I am not always aware that someone has come into the room. I happened to be looking when this tiny, bespectacled form appeared, saw me, gulped and fled. "Maybe she has heard of The Pencil," I mused.

A few seconds elapsed. I heard the door open again and this time three tiny, bespectacled forms appeared, nos 2 and 3 giving no 1 moral support.

Not a time for Scowling and Pencil Wielding, so I bestowed upon them the sort of beam that he previous young lady had bestowed upon me. Tiny bespectacled form no 1 gulped again and asked, "Can we practise our drama please?"

I welcomed them in and explained that I would normally be teaching the piano but that my first victim had not turned up. I asked them how long they needed, and that cut into my next lesson, so I said I would take Next Victim along to the practise room (i.e. the Shame of The Black Hole of Calcutta). In they trooped and got on with their business. 7 Y8 girls (12-13) strutting their stuff. It was a joy to watch.

Second Victim was also clearly also far too scared of The Pencil to appear, so I got to watch the whole rehearsal. A bell went and they started to pack up. It occurred to me that we were all wearing glasses.

"Hey guys," I intoned, "do you realise that there are 8 of us in the room and we are all wearing glasses?"

There was a moment of reflection, then one said, "That's weird."

Then one of them brightened considerably and announced, "My uncle calls me 'specky four eyes'. We are the start of the next human species - the 'specky four eyes' species" and off they went to a chorus of, "Thank you sir."

Honestly, the kids at that school are sooooooooooooo gorgeous.


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Author:  SteveHopwood [ Mon Mar 05, 2018 9:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

I know how much you all enjoy a giggle at my expense, so here was an episode from today.

I arrived at a school this afternoon for a first rehearsal with a couple of clarinet exam candidates. First one turned up sans clarinet part. "Can't remember everything" I intoned. This was Ben who turned out to be Carl, of said-nothing-until-the-day-of-the-exam-and-then-never-stopped fame from earlier in this thread (http://www.stevehopwoodforex.com/phpBB3 ... 89#p154589). We did what we could, which was not a lot.

Second one turned up sans piano accompaniment and swore blind that she knew nothing about it, had never heard of it and did not need one; "Yes you do, poppet." I have left that one up to her teacher and arranged another visit on Wednesday.

Mind, that is a step up from last time, when a child turned up sans instrument. "What did you think we were going to do, angel?" I asked gently.

Wonderful thingies, kids. :lol:

:xm: :rocket:
Author:  SteveHopwood [ Mon Mar 05, 2018 11:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

Quick update at not far short of midnight re various missing books.

Carl's dad has re-ordered his clarinet part from Amazon Prime. With the exam next week, what has Carl been practising from? Clearly not from memory, based on his performance today.

I am diverting on my way to school tomorrow, to have a run through with a Tiny Tot at a primary school on the way. Tiny Tot is doing the same exam that the pupil Denying The Need For Said Piano Part, so I am instructed to steal Tiny Tot's piano part.

This is not the first time this sort of nonsense has occurred, so I am embarking on a new strategy. I shall steal every piano part that ever comes my way ever again, and deny all knowledge of it ever again should I be questioned. The exam board changes the syllabus about once every decade, so I should build up a comprehensive library quite quickly.

:xm: :rocket:
Author:  SteveHopwood [ Tue Mar 06, 2018 11:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

I stopped off at the primary school for the rehearsal with Tiny Tot, on my way to school. All went well and I dug out The Therapies at the end. "Thank you," she said, "but I have given up chocolate for Lent."

I am agog with admiration for kids who do this. My equivalent would would be giving up Malt, and that is never going to happen. Think I can be a bit tetchy last thingy at night? Try me without a Malt inside me.

So I expressed my admiration. Tiny Tot replied, "We do this every year. At the end, mum buys a HUGE Easter Bunny FULL of chocolates. It is worth waiting for."

There might be a message for me there. :lol:

I stole her piano part so, on to school and one of those moments that could not have occurred had Gracie and I rehearsed it for months.

Some background. I am bad at keeping the top of my fantastic grand piano clear of detritus. I make occasional attempts to clear it, and last week was one of them.

Underneath all the grot, I found some new pencils. They were probably there for years. Some magnificently sharp pencils. Sharp way beyond that achievable with a domestic pencil sharpener. New-pencil sharp.

Back to school and my first victim of the afternoon was too terrified to turn up, so the room was clear when Gracie and two friends entered and asked if they could rehearse their drama for the next class.

Like I am ever going to refuse :lol: so I settled in to enjoy the performance.

Gracie could not resist. Eventually, she looked at me and demanded, "What is the state of The Pencil?" I knew she wanted a bit of a performance from Sir, and replied, "Very sharp. It is brand new. Look."

I picked up The Very Sharp Pencil and showed it to Gracie, who recoiled in horror.

One of two highly confused friends asked, "What is happening?"

"Simple," I replied. "I threaten to stab her with the sharp end whenever she does something daft. She stops doing daft things after that."

Gracie came back with, "Trouble is, I have no brain cells, so there is great danger of me being stabbed."

Friends looked back at me so I responded, "Gracie is one of the cleverest kids in the school. We all know that."

Friends were still slightly confused. Eventually, one of their faces cleared and she asked/stated of me, "Ok, so you don't really mean it do you?"

There is no way of writing the glory of what happened next. Simultaneously, I replied, "Of course I do" whilst G replied, "Of course he doesn't."

Then the bell went and off the girls trooped for their drama class.

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Author:  SteveHopwood [ Wed Mar 07, 2018 9:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

I have had some fun today.

I pitched up for a second attempt at a run-through with the kids who managed to abort on Monday.

There was a member of staff available to go and seek out Carl when he failed to turn up. He denied all knowledge of today. I shall continue to do my best for him, but my efforts will come to nothing if he continues to behave like The Dummy From Dummysville. I have arranged a final visit on Monday. The result will be inevitable if he mucks that one up as well. He will not be the first child to learn that it is possible to fail exams courtesy of the UK graded exam system. It has administered a much-needed shock to many a miscreant in the past and has possibly saved their academic careers; it will continue to do so in the future.

I had a long time with 12 year old Carlin, of, "Absolutely do not need a piano part" fame. It turns out that she is one half of identical twins. Really identical twins.

The guitar teacher wandered in to pick up some equipment. "Hi Carmen," he said.

"I am Carlin," she replied.

Guitar teacher looked at here levelly and said, "Look, I have learned to tell you two apart from your glasses. You are Carmen."

"We swapped glasses."

Let's not get into the wisdom, or lack of it, of swapping glasses - I doubt my sanity would withstand it.

Asked guitar teacher plaintively, and sensing the sort of defeat I suffer every time I go to a school, "So how do I tell you two apart?"

Carlin pointed to her dimple and announced triumphantly, "See? I have this dimple. Carmen doesn't."

"How do I know that you two will not simply swap dimples?" he asked suspiciously. Identical twins are notorious for causing chaos and confusion by swapping thingies. It must be such a good game. :lol:

"Don't be silly," Carlin replied scornfully. "I cannot give her a dimple she does not already have. Dimples are just there."

Guitar teacher retired in defeat.

On to another school to record a GCSE solo performance with Joel. Joel featured here recently - huge lad, soft as butter and terrified of graded music exams. Nearly scuppered the whole thing with an early gob-full of a Roses chocolate.

Joel and I go back a long time these days, so I naturally started abusing him the instant he entered the room. "Oh lordy, look what the cat just dragged in." "Am I really going to have to listen to his Flute playing, again?" Standard stuff. Joel gives as good as he gets. "Can we really not find a better pianist than this one?" sort of thingy.

Graded exams are performance exams. The kids get one chance. They play well; they pass. They play badly; they fail. OK, so they are exams intended to encourage amateurs to extend their playing so there is a lot of wriggle room for the examiners to award a pass to 'iffy' performers who will clearly never attempt to ply their trade professionally, but the basic principle remains the same.

GCSE examines the candidates ability to play musically regardless of the circumstances. Kids record their performance and the performance is then sent off to the examining board for marking. An individual performance cannot be edited but the kids can make multiple recordings and then send off the best for assessment.

Joel was playing one of the G4 exam pieces that featured in that previous post. We played it through once for a rehearsal. It was magnificent.

The Universal Miss (the lot of all female teachers in UK secondary school - I am one of the universal lot known as 'Sir') came in to do the recording.

Joel blundered at a part he had never blundered before. No problem. We stopped and re-recorded, after some suitable abuse from me.

We tried again. Same blunder.

I intoned, "Not to worry Joel. We will go again. Mind, if you blunder there again, then I will beat you to a gooey pulp. Big you may be, but we both know how soft you are."

His reply was brilliant. He cocked forefinger and thumb a la cocking a revolver, pointed it at me and growled threateningly, "You could always try."

Third attempt brilliant, in the can and ready to be sent to the exam board for a top mark award.

Wonderful creatures, teens.

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Author:  SteveHopwood [ Thu Mar 08, 2018 11:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

Georgina is a Year 11 GCSE music student. In the long-term, GCSE's have no value. In the short to medium term they give a pointer as to whether the student potentially has an academic future. 5 years after taking them, they will be utterly insignificant. They are huge at the time of taking them.

So all of us concerned with helping the kids over this first hurdle pull out all the stops. Take today as an example. GCSE music performance consists on at least one solo and at least one ensemble. Today was Georgina's ensemble, singing the duet, "What is this feeling?" from "Wicked", with the school's singing teacher.

The Head of Music is also a performance examiner - kids record their performances and they are sent of to the Board for marking. She realised that there was insufficient intermingling between the singers for the piece to be considered an 'ensemble' if all they had was me providing the piano accompaniment.

So HOM arranged a session today where guitar teacher could attend to provide a bass. Year 12 and multi-talented Harry attended to provide drums - and you really should not perform this vocal duet without drums.

We got a great ensemble recording in the can after a bit of rehearsing. I reflected at one stage: in the room in support of one 15/16 year old singer were:
  • A professional singer.
  • A professional guitarist.
  • A professional pianist.
  • A multi-talented pupil drummer (he plays nearly everything).
  • The Head of Music - ok, so she had to be there but you get my drift?
We fuck up education quite badly a lot of the time here in the UK. We got it right today.

-------------------

The rest of the afternoon was a washout. Lauren turned up late,for very good reasons. She could still have had a lesson but sadly arrived at the same time as the victim whose actual time it was.

Gracie should have been my final victim. She turned up after the final bell of the afternoon, apologising for missing her lesson and explaining that she was deeply engrossed in her Art lesson, and forgot. Those of us living in the UK and knowing kids taking GCSE/'A' level Art know where she is coming from. Hell will freeze over before I 'shout at' Gracie for anything, let alone missing a piano lesson because of being engrossed in an Arts project taking over her life. They do that.

Besides, she came to apologise, so how could I possibly be critical?

Even so, I showed her The Very Sharp Pencil and growled, "Forget next week and it is The Very Sharp Pencil for you."

There was an initial sharp intake of breath, then a peering at The Very Sharp Pencil. "You have used this, haven't you?" Gracie asked. "Yes" I replied. "It's gone blunt" she announced and skipped off out of the room.

I will book her an extra lesson somewhere, somehow. A kid like that deserves it.

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Author:  SteveHopwood [ Fri Mar 09, 2018 9:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

Here is a bit of Gracie's story that I forgot about and left out last night.

She came to apologise for missing her lesson and in my story, I cut straight to the Threatening With The Once Sharp New Pencil That Is Now Blunt bit.

I missed the blue form bit in between because I forgot it. The purpose of this form is to allow the school to check that a pupil going out of a class for a music lesson has actually attended it, and not spent the 20 minutes smoking in the loo. I am supposed to fill out one for any pupil missing a piano lesson.

I said to Gracie, "I should be blue forming you." OK, so call me Mr Gullible but I had already decided not to issue one. Gracie is not a kid to go skiving; she wants to be loved and knows how to go about achieving it. Skiving ain't it.

She gave the Intellectual Powerhouse response that she gives when needing time to think: a gormless look followed by, "Eh?"

Gracie does Gormless to international standards when genuinely confused. Her expression suggested that she was looking at someone with two heads.

I understood her confusion. Miss Innocent will not have been issued with many of the forms - if any.

I showed her one and reminded her that three of those in a half-term add up to an after-school detention.

There was a reaction of instant panic that I was never going to allow to last for more than a few seconds; promise. "No. Oh no. Please don't. Please. Pleeeeeeaaaaase."

Then she noticed that there was no blue form with her name on it and her face cleared. Gracie turned on The Eyes. "Please don't blue form me," came the plaintive plea.

"It is the rules. I am supposed to."

"Awwwwe. I try my best to be soooooooo nice".

Which is where The Pencil entered the conversation and Gracie knew she had won.

And yes, I know I should have been stern and blue-formed her anyhow but, me being me, how could I?. I will do in future if she pulls this stunt again. Possibly. Or not. Remember Dommy? For now, I am assuming that I have Made A Point and that it will not be necessary.

We have a saying here in the UK: there are many ways to skin a cat. I might mention that to my two. :lol: They will take as much notice of me as does Gracie and did Dommy. Hey ho. Much-loved Gracie and Dommy are happily innocently mischievous kids living a wonderful life; long may it continue to be so. :lol: Not every child on this planet has this privilege. Sadly.

Here is to making it possible for all of them.

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Author:  SteveHopwood [ Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

I had a lovely afternoon.

It started with Evan. 10 year old Evan is one of the WW teacher's private woodwind exam candidates and so came here for a rehearsal for his G1 sax exam; last week was the first and where I was first subjected to the Full Power of His Cute.

You should see this little boy, folks. "Cute" is a feeble adjective to apply to him. WW teacher and I are unsure of exactly where he stands in the Leader Table of Cute, but it must be up there with The Twins.

He outdid himself today. The car pulled up early this afternoon but nobody came to the house, so I wandered out to invite them in in case they were waiting for their time slot.

In fact, Evan had dozed off on the journey here and was fast asleep. Dad was hoping that the car stopping would nudge him into life.

I think he is cute whilst awake? Oh wow, but seeing him asleep was a different matter altogether. Ok, so all kids look cute whilst asleep, but this little one could captain the International Cute Whilst Asleep Team in a contest against beings from another solar system.

Then it was off out to teach Katie and her mum. I have become really fond of these two and look forward to my visits with joy in my heart. 16 year old Katie is also a dancer, and 'feels' the music; her playing today was wonderful. Mum was pretty good, too.

Katie wants to train as a medical doctor. It turns out that she has a photographic memory. Imagine how useful that is going to be in the early years of her training. She will be tested on her knowledge of anatomy. Whenever she sees a question, she will think, "Yes. That was page 476 of .................." and just reel off the information she is reading from her memory. Fantastic.

Katie said herself, "Understanding what I can recall is not always easy, but at least I can recall it to give myself time for understanding." A wise head on such young shoulders. I meet them rarely and am hugely impressed when I do so. Today was one of those days.

Happy times again.

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Author:  SteveHopwood [ Mon Mar 12, 2018 10:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

Remember Carl of trying to become Mr Dummy of Dummysville and Carlin don't-need-a-piano-part and dimple fame? A couple of posts up.

Their exams are tomorrow. I drove to the school today for a last attempt at a decent rehearsal with Carl and a second with Carlin.

In the intervening gap, Carl had rediscovered his brain. Everything went swimmingly and all is well set for tomorrow. Phew.

Thingies with Carlin also went well, until she made a mistake, stopped and uttered, "Opps".

"Darling," I started, "You are a 12 year old schoolgirl. You are not expected to be perfect. You are allowed to make mistakes. What you are not allowed to do is stop whenever you make one, and say 'Oops'. Next time you make a mistake, keep going. Whatever you do, I will find you. Just don't stop, OK?"

"Yes sir."

We ran again. Different place, but same thingy. Starting with me, the subsequent exchange went:
"OK, so you did it again. Do it a third time and I torture you slowly to death."

"Please don't."

"OK. I will torture you quickly to death>"

"Please don't."

"OK, I won't. Nor would I. But here is what I am prepared to do. Stop again and I will eat your therapies in front of you."

<slightly more realistic, and so much more panic - she doesn't really know me after all> "No, no, Nooooooo. Please don't."

"OK, I won't. Here is a better deal. I already owe you double therapy from Friday (forgot to take them and and so promised double today instead). Play and make mistakes without stopping, and you get an extra therapy."

Worked a charm - always does. Plus I gave her an extra therapy on top for having been threatened with being tortured to death.

Carlin is 12. 12 year olds are on the cusp of losing 'cute' and instead acquiring 'teen humour' status. Carlin is still cute. She opened her clarinet case and went into one of the side pockets. She dug out a tiny sweet in a wrapper, offered it to me and said, "I saved this one for you. Please enjoy it."

"Yes I will darling, very much. Thank you" I replied.

Awwwwwe.

Of course, the damn thing was so laden with 'E' numbers that I dumped it in the first nuclear waste dump I found on the way home (OK, so slight exaggeration, but you get my drift? No power on this earth was going to persuade me to eat the damn thing.)

But was that a lovely gesture, or what? Sometimes my job is wonderful. Others, it is really wonderful.

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Author:  SteveHopwood [ Wed Mar 21, 2018 9:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

The race is on for all 16 year olds in the UK to finish their coursework in time for the final submission date of May 1st. The chickens are coming home to roost amongst those whose efforts have been insufficient.

Time passes much more slowly for kids than it does for us oldies. Remember how long a week was when we were children? Take the graded exams:
  • At the start, they were months away.
  • There comes a time when they are weeks away and start to impinge upon the kids' consciousness.
  • Suddenly, they are days away and I am turning up to rehearse with them. A sense of nervousness arises. "Should I have done more practice?"
  • Suddenly, the exam is tomorrow. "Oh why haven't I done more practice?"
  • On the day, "I will do more practise next time."
Hehe. Guess how I know?

Expand this out to UK GCSE students. An increasing number of schools are starting the courses in year 9 (rising 14) instead of year 10 as it was for years previously. There are pros and cons to this approach but that does not matter here; it is a reality.

So a child starts year 9 at the age of 13. Unless born after about June, she will hit the final deadlines and sit the final exams at the age of 16. This is an unimaginable length of time in the future. Nothing to worry about.

Wayward children play this card with ruthless efficiency. Angelina was handed into my care at the start of year 10. The Head of Music had sussed that I am happy to help kids prepare for the performance part of their exam - not as obvious as it may seem and some intone, "No. I am here to teach children to play an instrument, not pass exams." They have a point.

Most kids take music post the compulsory age because they like playing an instrument. Angelina enjoys the other parts and hates performing. The wide variety of excuses she used to avoid piano lessons included, "My mum cannot afford them." They are free to GCSE students. She attended 5 lessons in year 10, so I mentally wiped my hands of her.

Come year 11, starting in September of 2017, Head of Music started to pile on the pressure but to Angelina, the crunch was still a long time off. I think I saw her three times during a term of c. 16 weeks.

Suddenly, we are days away from the end of this term and the final deadline for submission of the recorded performances will be about two weeks after we return. This has hit Angelina hard and she is suddenly attending every session that a long-suffering HOM can set up for her with me. We have been joined at the hip this week.

I am going in especially on Friday morning, to spend a final two hours with this child and get a solo recording done. It will be bad. It will gain few marks. It will at least allow her to 'complete' the course and so receive some sort of award - without the recording there would be none.

Then we have the ensemble. It turns out that Angelina learned a pre-grade 1 piece a long time ago - the sort of thingy that any sentient life form would learn in its first 6 months of lessons. HOM is going to get the guitar teacher to add a bass part and one of the school drummers to add percussion; sound familiar? Angelina will at least be able to offer up an ensemble, as required by the syllabus. It will be rubbish, but at least it exists.

I pity the examiners, who will have to listen to hours of this sort of drivel. I wonder if good performances attain even higher marks just because of the contrast? No matter. Not my problem.

HOM said to Angelina, "I am not a pianist, so play Mr Hopwood the piece we are turning into an ensemble, just to make sure the notes are correct."

Angelina grinned hugely, said, "Oh yes. I really Mozarted this," and launched into a flawless performance.

Not entirely sure that Mozart would have been flattered. :lol: Looking on the brighter side, she was at least familiar with the name. Ask your average teen whom Mozart was, and, "Eh?" would be the usual answer.

Maybe the whole experience might have taught this child that deadlines are real and need to be met; that sometimes they are not palatable but still have to be dealt with. I hope so.

Now, can anyone here put me in a similar position and teach me to deal with the unpalatable reality that tax return deadlines are non-negotiable? Any hints to offer about how to ignore them, Angelina.........?

Hey ho.

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