stevehopwoodforex.com • Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

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SteveHopwood [ Thu Apr 26, 2018 10:45 pm ]

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Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

Another lovely afternoon in school today. The highlight happened before I started teaching. I was chatting in the corridor with guitar teacher Paul before classes started, when fabulously-talented 15 year old guitarist JC wandered over. JC never has his shoelaces tied, so one of my fav sayings is, "Sorry to sound like your mum JC, but do your shoe laces up so that you do not trip up and break your neck."

I remember my mum saying the same to me when I was 15. Somehow, kids can walk everywhere with lethally untied shoe laces without ever tripping up over them - I did at the same age. These days, I would be rushed to A&E within a few steps of a lace coming undone; kids bounce somehow.

I studied JC's laces and one of them appeared to be undone so I made my usual demand. In fact the lace was done up but was very long and one side was flopping over. "See," he demanded as he showed us his shoe, "it is done up." Then he slowly and deliberately undid both sets of laces and asked, "Ha. What are you going to do about it?" Nothing unpleasant I promise you; this is a gorgeous kid. He was merely entering into the spirit of the game.

I am 66 at the time of writing. I grew up in a different world to that inhabited by kids today. A lot of my teachers had seen action in WW2; some would have had blood on their hands. It was taken for granted back then that a child could be slapped; a board rubber could be thrown across the room at a miscreant; a child could be caned across the buttocks or the fleshy part of the hand for really bad behaviour.

They were not cruel people and such rough justice was not often meted out - and even then only to the boys. That it could be so meted out was merely a part of our everyday existence.

Guitar teacher Paul is a good 10 years younger than me, yet still came into that age group subject to the possibility of such treatment, so we 'went off on one'.

Starting with me and alternating with Paul, the exchange went along these lines:
"Did you see that blatant disobedience?"

"Yes. Couldn't have happened in our day."

"Nope. We would have been caned. Six of the best, possibly."

<A quick aside as I had to explain to a baffled JC what I meant.> Continuing with Paul,

"In our school, a crime committed by one pupil would result in the entire class being caned." <no it didn't>

"Yep. The class had to stand with their hand stretched out to receive the blow. That included the girls." <You should have seen JC's face>

I absolutely promise that I never saw a girl struck by a teacher in my entire school time. It just didn't happen, OK? JC does not know this.

I am not entirely sure how Paul and I were keeping straight faces by this time. JC's experience is so far from the world I just described that he was clearly incredulous when Paul and I started. His face was starting to change as he contemplated the enormity of being in the same situation.

I have described before how discipline at the school is quiet yet relentless. Crimes attract retribution with the same sort of inevitability as taxes and rows with our partners. Paul and I were already aware that JC has attracted a detention for not handing in a piece of homework and was not eager to attract another. Continuing with me:

"Are we humble visiting music teachers allowed to hand out detentions?"

"Yes. I handed out two this morning." <No he didn't>.

<Glowering at JC> "So do those shoelaces up of we both give you individual detentions." <the bell went to call the kids to class>. "Your choice JC. You can do up those shoelaces now or both Sir and I send in separate detention slips. Your choice."

He looked from one to the other and back again several times, to be met by similarly demanding glares. Finally he sighed, stooped and did his shoelaces up. "Well done" we intoned gently. "off you go to your next class."

Another 5 seconds and Paul and I would have cracked.

So now I know how to defeat a teen. Gang up on him/her with another member of staff.

Come the end of the day and it was time for JC and I to gang up on Paul as we do every Thursday after school when JC helps carry Paul's equipment down to the car. JC showed me his perfectly done shoe laces and so we piled into Paul. Paul adores the kids every bit as much as I do and takes it in great heart.

Mind, I expect to have to nag about the shoelaces next week. Wonderful though they are, teens have long memories only for what suits them.

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Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job https://www.stevehopwoodforex.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?t=3387	Page 14 of 45

Author:	SteveHopwood [ Thu Apr 19, 2018 9:01 pm ]
Post subject:	Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job
Gracie performed mistresfully today. She pitched up for her lesson 10 minutes early today announcing, "I was bored with History so I decided to come here early." I pointed across to Miss' chair (typical office chair) and growled, "Sit on the squiggly chair." <adopts a Miss Gormless of The Universe expression> "Eh?"> So I stood up, held her by the shoulders, guided her to the chair and sat her down. "How is this a squiggly chair?" she asked plaintively. I was trying to give Nikki a lesson, so I snarled, "Because I said so. Sit down and shut up or I will send you back to class. If you refuse to go back to class, I will give you a detention. You are not supposed to be here right now, so do not annoy me." Yes sir. I am astonished that my attempt at Imposing Some Discipline worked. I might try it again some time. The lesson progressed. Gracie spent the time swivelling on her squiggly chair. Irritating but harmless given that she was out of Nikki's eyeline. Time passed and a clearly bored Gracie asked, "Would you like me to sharpen your pencil?" I replied in the affirmative and pointed out that I would be using a Really Blunt Pencil from my case in the meantime. What followed could only be invented by A Fantastic Teen. I use pencils to guide pupils learning new pieces of music through the score. They always know where to look if they have glanced down to their hands - and they do that all the time. Gracie took the pencil I was already holding from my hand - I am fairly sure it was already the Really Sharp Pencil - and substituted the blunt one. There followed a few seconds of activity in the background. Then my Blunt Pencil was removed from my hand and a Really Sharp Pencil was substituted. There followed a few seconds of activity in the background. Then the Really Sharp Pencil was removed and a different Really Sharp Pencil placed in my hand. Moving on: I threatened Gracie with neither of them in her lesson. I figured she had earned some gormless moments.

Author:	SteveHopwood [ Wed Apr 25, 2018 7:12 pm ]
Post subject:	Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job
Gracie was auditioning for Miss Gormless of The Year today. Lauren wandered in five minutes before the end of her lesson and settled in to watch the entertainment. Gracie intoned plaintively, "I am not thinking very clearly today." "Don't try to think darling, "I replied. "You lack the equipment." This went so far over Gracie's head that she would have missed it had she been wearing a pair of automatic insult-spotting glasses. It zoomed off into the distance behind her. The massacre of a lesson continued. Gracie noticed Lauren giggling, stopped and clearly thought back over our previous exchange. "Oy" she demanded in simulated outrage. "I have at least half a brain." "Really? You think so?" "Ok, so at least a quarter of a brain." "So which 5 of the cells in it are firing today?" Quick as a flash came back the reply. Try to imagine it coming out the instant I had finished the enquiry - Gracie is very fast in these situations. "Any one of the 5 more that I have than you have" came the response. High five. Obviously.

Author:	SteveHopwood [ Fri May 04, 2018 8:35 pm ]
Post subject:	Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job
Great fun with Gracie today. She appeared right at the start of my afternoon and asked, “What time is my lesson, Sir?” Kids have a lesson pass that has the time of their next lesson plus a signature from me that they have attended the current one, rather than spending the time smoking in the loo. G has lost many of these thingies, so I have taken to noting the time and date of her next lesson in her Planner, then signing to show that she has attended.. So I replied, “It is in your planner sweetheart.” This was at 1.30 so I looked at my timetable and saw that her lesson time was 2.50 i.e. last thing in the afternoon. “You could always look it up.” This next bit of information is essential. Arriving at the school without their Planners (all parents here know what I am writing about - a book like a diary with every day of the school year mapped out) is a Capital Offence. OK, so detention is the punishment rather than actually being hanged, but you get my drift. There is not a child in this world who wants a detention for such a crime. Punishment is automatic and there is no reprieve for anything less than the unconscionable idea of a death in the family. So I was unsympathetic when G offered up, “I might have left my planner at home.” I glared at her. Obviously she ignored my glare; which child would not? What came next confirmed my suspicions. “Can I stay here until my piano lesson please? I hate my lessons this afternoon.” At the same age, I skived many a hated lesson so I had considerable sympathy for her plight. Trouble is, I do not want to be sacked by the school. The money is irrelevant; it is the entertainment that I need so I replied, “Don't be silly. Go back to your class immediately.” “Awwwwe”. “Go NOW.” “Awwwe”. <reaching for a blue form> “Do I have to fill this in?” Off she scuttled. Can't blame her for trying. I am Mr Softie after all. Last but one lesson and I was working with Lauren. Gracie turned up 5 minutes early; I was unsurprised and decided that 5 minutes was acceptable. Gracie settled down and was only mildly irritating. Come the end of Lauren's lessons I intoned, “Hey Lauren, a miracle has just occurred.” L looked mystified so I explained, “Gracie has just been sat here for five minutes without becoming seriously irritating. That has never happened before.” “Awwwe” No idea how this came up – when do I ever have any ideas how a conversation with a teen evolves - but Lauren was packing away and became involved with a convo with Gracie about their ages in their next year of schooling. Y9-10 Gracie will turn 15; Y10-11 Lauren will turn 16. What happened subsequently was Gracie at Her Ludicrous Best. “Hey Lauren,” I asked, “Do you realise that once you are 16 you are legally allowed to join the armed forces and be blown to bits for Britain?” G chimed in with, “My dad did that.” L started to giggle and settled back to watch. G falls into these traps sooooo easily. “So you are an immaculate conception?” I asked. “Eh?” “You mum had you without the involvement of your dad?” “Eh?” There followed about half a minute of Classic Gracie Bemusement when she looked at me with that, 'child looking an a moronic adult' expression that all kids have. Then she noticed that both L and I were looking at her. And waiting quietly. Several more seconds elapsed and then came an exasperated, “You know what I mean.” I made sure she knows that I adore her, sent Lauren on her way and settled in to enjoy my time with Gracie. As usual, she was a star. I say again; wonderful thingies, teens.

Author:	SteveHopwood [ Tue May 08, 2018 9:38 pm ]
Post subject:	Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job
One of my victims thought twice about exposing herself to another 20 minutes of horrific child abuse today and failed to turn up. Sensible child. As you can imagine, this can happen. Said victim can be: too terrified to turn up; ill; away on a school trip; engrossed in a lesson elsewhere; forgetful. Depending on how atmospheric conditions are when faced by a gap I either: do some piano practise; doodle away the time. Much as I love the school, atmospheric conditions are mostly impossible; it is way too hot in the winter when the heating is on and the insulation is very good; it is way too hot in the summer because the school was built with one-way insulation only. Today was the tail-end of a few days of rare sunshine and high temperatures here in the UK, so the damn school was stifling. So I was doodling. I came across something to read. Sorry when the preambles to my punch lines take a while. Scene-setting that happens instantly in real time take a while to describe. You recall that it is some distance from the piano to the door? I was sat sideways to it. I became aware of movement away towards the door and looked up. To be greeted by the sight of 15 year old Heather caught in an, "I am creeping up on you" stance. "Ehup darling. Why do you appear to be trying to creep up on me?" "I saw you engrossed in what you were reading. I was hoping to sneak up and yell 'BOOO' and make you jump." I have mentioned before that I detect a certain lack of trembling and awe in my presence? I tried my best. "Heather, you know perfectly well that all teachers have eyes in the back of their heads." (Remember that phenomenon?) "I have eyes in the side of mine." "No you don't" she replied matter-of-factly. "I just gave myself away by being clumsy." Thankfully, not a trait she brings to her piano playing. Well, not often at least.

Author:	SteveHopwood [ Fri May 11, 2018 10:01 pm ]
Post subject:	Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job
Gracie was magnificent today. I was coming to the end of Nikki's lesson when Gracie pitched up. Try to picture G by thinking about any tiny teen you have ever met. Just over 5 feet tall and only reasonably built; there is not a lot of Gracie is what I am saying here. She has the standard UK 14 year old set of braces to straighten her teeth for later life. Imagine the upcoming repetitions of, "Awwwwe" being accompanied by an expression of mock dismay and the mouth open in an oval. Most of us know similar teens - many of us have brought them up. Nikki kept on hitting the same wrong note; I repeatedly corrected it. Not a capital crime obviously, but this is a piece we are working on for her GCSE music performance. Gesturing towards Gracie I said, "Nikki play that note wrong next week and I will stab Gracie with the sharp end of The Sharp Pencil." "Awwwwe. Why me?" I replied, "Because you are standard issue 14 year old and have a deep seated fear of pain. Nikki is a standard issue 15 year old and has a deep seated fear of causing pain. She will remember this threat."<,edited from into the future; Nikki did indeed remember the threat and stopped getting the note wrong. Obviously.> Nikki was giggling so much she could only just get the next bit out - and you haven't lived until you have experienced the beauty that is a Nikki giggle - "No, I don't want to inflict any pain but given the choice, cause it to her and not me." "Awwwwe." The end of the lesson came and Lauren turned up, leaving me with both Gracie and Lauren insisting that it was their lesson time. Not as daft as it sounds: the timetable changes every week; then sometimes it doesn't; it confuses the life out of me; so the confusion is not necessarily the fault of the girls. This time it turned out to be Gracie's fault. Her actual time was after Lauren. "Can I stay please?" she asked plaintively. I replied, "No. I do not want you here. Go away. " <yes I do> "Awwwe" followed by no movement to the door. Then a quick bit of thinking, "After all, I will disrupt the lesson if I go back to it and then leave again." She had a point. Then there is pure humanity. How many SHF readers have never used needing to be elsewhere as an excuse for skiving a lesson we were not enjoying? I used music to avoid every PE lesson from the age of 14. So I replied, "Can you remain without being a total pain in the neck?" "Awwwwe." "Ok, so only mildly irritating?" <these kids know me sooooo well> "Yes sir." That came out with astonishing alacrity. I checked with Lauren that it was ok for G t remain. The reply came back, "Of course. She make me feel really bright." <she wasn't being cruel - just joining in> "Awwwwe". "Shut up." "Yes sir." G continued to be only mildly irritating - a major success as all teen-runners understand. G has already played L's current piece. L stumbled at one point so G supplied the missing bit by singing it. This tickled me, so I was laughing. I was sat slightly out of L's eyeline so she demanded, "Are you laughing at me?" Time for some teen reassurance. These are children, after all. I replied, "No darling. I am not laughing at you. I am laughing at Gracie." "Awwwwe." "I am laughing at Gracie because she is able to sing the bit of the piece that you cannot play, yet she could not play it either a few weeks ago. I promise you angels, that when I laugh it is because you are seriously funny people. It is laughter based on love, not anything malicious. Nobody could possibly hate you." Sadly, that last sentence is not true but these kids do not need to learn that yet. It is enough for them to feel cherished and loved for now. The end of the lesson came and I sent two teens happily on their way knowing that at least one non-related adult values and cherishes them.

Author:	SteveHopwood [ Wed May 16, 2018 7:53 pm ]
Post subject:	Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job
Gar made me giggle tonight. He is taking part in the UK Duke of Edinburgh award. There are three levels: bronze, silver and gold. They involve an increasing number of demanding physical, mental and community challenges. The hardest of them are the physical challenges. The bronze level involves: A two day hike. Not sure what the distance is, but I have this dim recollection that driving it would knacker me. Carrying all the necessary supplies for survival. That includes the tent they will sleep under. The above includes carrying and supplying vital nutrients individually and providing their own shelter at the end of day 1. The physical bit is harsh but we are not fans of torturing children in the UK, so there are safeguards in place to ensure their safety. Even so, imagine being a child faced with the humiliation of wimping out; I do not know but would hazard a decent guess that it does not happen often. Gar did the bronze hike last week, so I asked him how it went today. "I did ok" he replied. "It was painful, but I managed. The worst thing was listening to the girls whinge. They went on and on and on and on................." I adore teen girls. They are such fun. Fact is though, they can whinge to International Teen Girls Whinging Standards and drive us nuts, so I replied, "Yes, teen girls can be relied on to whinge a bit." He replied, "Whinge a bit? A bit? It is their default position." All parents who have dragged girls through their teen years are nodding their heads in agreement. All I can do is offer my sympathies folks and hope it did not take you too long to learn this message: when they are kicking off is when the need you the most. So I have had a laugh tonight, at the expense of teen girls I have not even met. I will try to ensure that Gracie can extract some revenge tomorrow on behalf of her peers. Opportunities do not always arise but I promise this: if one does then I will facilitate it and post it here tomorrow.

Author:	SteveHopwood [ Thu May 17, 2018 8:29 pm ]
Post subject:	Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job
I was teaching Nikki. We had worked on her piece and she was trying to give a 'performance' of what we had worked on. This piece takes two minutes plus to perform. I have described how it is quite a long way diagonally from the piano to the door. We became aware of a lot of movement at the door, and Nikki stopped. Said a member of admin staff, "Sorry. I am showing a potential pupil and her mum around the school." I replied, "No problem. Ignore us. Do what you need to do." Potential Pupil was about as Tiny a Tot as you could wish to meet. TT's are year 6 (age 10-11) and can be as tall as me. Not this little one. You could breathe and blow her over. Cute, or what? Nikki started again. She got to the end with massive approval from me. Then we noticed TT still stood watching in awe. I wandered over to TT and TT's mum. TT said, "That was amazing." I replied, "Come to this school. It is fantastic. You may not learn to play the piano like Nikki, but someone will teach you to do something extraordinary." It was lovely to be able to say that to a tiny tot. To mum I said, "I am not joking. Just bring her here, ok?" Actually, the school gets a lot of stuff wrong but which institution gets it right all the time? Fact is, I would have sent my son to the school had he been 30 years younger. I told Nikki about the little girl stood in awe. It was the end of the lesson and Nikki waked out several feet taller.

Author:	SteveHopwood [ Fri May 18, 2018 7:12 pm ]
Post subject:	Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job
I forgot to report on The Note last night - read up three posts for details. Nikki had no problems with it yesterday. She giggled when I announced, "You have saved Gracie the pain of being stabbed with The Sharp End of the Pencil That She Had Sharpened." "Oh good, " she replied, "I do not like the sound of screaming children." Who would? We could not resist cooking up a wind-up. Ok, so I could not resist it but Nikki followed on gleefully. In came Gracie at her usual 10 minutes get-out-of-her-current-lesson-early time. Obviously she had forgotten the end of Nikki's previous lesson - this is Gracie we are talking about, after all. She advanced confidently towards the piano until she saw me holding The Recently Blunted Pencil threateningly and Nikki looking mournful. Then she stopped and asked suspiciously, "What is going on?" I replied, "Nikki got The Note wrong again, so I have to stab you with the sharp end of The Pencil." There followed the usual exchange: "What? Eh? I am confused" to which I reply, "Of course you are darling. You are Gracie." I reminded her about The Note and The Threat. "Awwwwe". "COME HERE CHILD" I demanded. "I am not a child. I am a teenager" came the determined reply. Fair point but remember that there is not a lot of Gracie, so I came back with, "I am A Teacher. You are what I call you, runt." "Squawk" came the reply, followed by a giggle then, "That came out wrong. It was supposed to be an 'oink'. Piggies do not squawk." "No they don't darling, but I was not calling you a piggie" I replied. "I was referring to your diminutive stature." "I am confused." "Of course you are darling. You are Gracie." "Awwwe." Then, "Do I still get stabbed?" "Yes." "Awwwe." This was the point at which Nikki cracked. She had been maintaining a girlful facade with huge determination for a couple of minutes, but the final exchange cracked her up. Gracie got her revenge by being her usual massively irritating self for the remainder of the lesson. Nikki never stopped giggling and was still doing so as she retreated to the corridor outside the room. I have written this before and will do so again: wonderful thingies, teens. Always try to enjoy them and accommodate their more wayward behaviour; the benefits from doing so are huge.

Author:	SteveHopwood [ Tue May 22, 2018 8:55 pm ]
Post subject:	Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job
I was teaching Dommy when Gracie pitched up for an extra lesson today that I owed her, her usual 10 minutes early. Dommy is utterly useless. He should not be, but his total refusal to do any prep in between lessons renders him clueless. I should terminate his lessons but cannot bring myself to do so. He enjoys the 'lessons' whilst I enjoy him. There will be misery in his life to come - we all know that - so I am not prepared to start by adding some right now. Gracie was her usual massively irritating self so I growled, "Sit quietly or I will send you back to class." <not entirely sure I would win that one>. "Awwwe." <threatening glare> Dommy played the occasional correct note so I called out, "Well done Dommy." "You can't call him that" demanded an infuriated Gracie. Remember how kids cannot bear injustice? "It is his name sweetheart. Dommy. His name is 'Dominic', hence the 'Dommy' ". "I thought you were calling him 'dummy' ". "I wasn't. Now shut up and stop interfering." <sniff> A few minutes passed with my continued approval of Dommy's feeble attempts alongside much laughter. Trust me, I really really want this gorgeous child to look back on his piano lessons affectionately in years to come. A clearly bored Gracie chimed in with, "You do not insult him like you insult me." I replied, "No darling. I like Dommy." Dommy and I waited expectantly for a few seconds. "OY. AWWWWWE." The end of Dommy's lesson came and I sent him away with my usual mantra of, "Have a wonderful week. Stay safe. Come back to me safe and sound." The alternative is an unbearable thought. Time for a Reality Check with another glorious teen - she is only a child after all. "Gracie, you do know that I love you very much, don't you? Just checking." She gave me a smile to die for and replied, "Yes Sir." Awwwwwwwwwwwwe.

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