Thingies that happen to Steve in his other job

[SteveHopwood]

Some happy stuff from this afternoon.

I was chatting to the music teacher before starting my afternoon when Charlie wandered in. "Ehup Charlie," I called. "Ehup Sir," came the reply.

Charlie pulled out a green booklet just like the music pass that I sign at every lesson. Not having a clue what it meant, I called out, "Excellent Charlie. Well done."

Music teacher explained that the booklet actually shows that C is in academic Special Measures and that it has to be filled out by every one of his teachers to show how he has performed in each class.

Asked MT, "How did your dad react when you showed it to him?" (parents are required to sign to show that they have seen it at the end of each day). "He was not happy" came the response.
"How unhappy?"

"Very. He shouted at me for quite a long time."


Come Charlie's piano lesson. He was still unable to play two short passages that I have taught him for what seems now like a short lifetime. I was unchuffed and decided to stick the boot in.

I snarled my lack of chuff at him. I made him play the offending passages correctly over and over again. I made him spend 10 minutes playing one 4 bar passage over and over again. At the end of every playing I snarled, "Again."

Come the end of the lesson I growled, "Continue to waste my time young man, and I will stop wasting it on you. Go away."

Amy had wandered in a few minutes earlier and had become increasingly alarmed in case I meted out the same treatment to her. Time to soften the atmosphere.

Charlie was heading towards the door when I called out, "Charlie." He turned back towards me. "I still like you, promise."

He smiled that smile and replied, "My dad says that as well" and disappeared.

I taught Amy. Then I continued with her through what I thought was Nikki's spot. To backtrack a tiny bit, in passing C and A had discussed the lesson they were missing - Physics - and how much they loathed the 'cover' teacher taking the class in place of the regular teacher.

I glanced at my timetable after I had finished with Amy and sent her away so she did not miss the start of her final class of the day. I saw that Nikki's lesson was in fact due at the time Amy turned up and that A was due hers after Nikki.

The little toad had turned up early, counting on me not to send her away and had gotten away with her ploy entirely when Nikki was absent altogether.

Cunning thingies, cute 13 year old kids when dealing with Mr Softie. Hey ho.

[SteveHopwood]

Gracie was first on my list this afternoon, for the extra lesson I am able to fit in because of the school admin being too useless to fill up my timetable.

I arrived at school and flogged up the three flights of stairs required to get me to my teaching floor. Aged 67 now, and 68 in July, these three flights take some small effort. Nothing dramatic, but I am always glad to reach the top.

Paul was on his lunch break and taking it in his teaching room, so I stopped in to say hello. "How are you? he asked. "Knackered," I replied, "I have just climbed those stairs." "I know how you feel" came the sympathetic response.

There is a lift, but I will know it is time to check out when I have to start using it. One has some pride, after all.

We were chatting away when we became aware of another presence, hovering in the doorway. Said Paul, "There is a child lurking in the doorway."

"Does it look like a Gracie?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Tell it I hate it and that it is to go away and leave me alone."

Paul was masterful. "Gracie, Sir hates you and wants you to go away."

Came the equally mistressful reply, "No he doesn''t and I won't." Kids start to pick up on my vocal delivery style quite quickly.

I turned and glowered at G. Then I softened my look and said, "Ahhhhh. Fresh meat. I have not eaten any children so far today and am hungry."

Gracie's reply was instant. "You cannot eat me. That would be impossible as you like me. If you didn't like me then I would taste horrible and you would not be able to eat me anyway." This child is very quick on the uptake.

This was G's extra lesson. Her timetabled one was a bit later on. We checked the lesson time and she announced that it would cause her to miss her favourite bit of an English lesson. The teacher posts some quizzes on the board and G loves solving them. Looking at my timetable, I saw that my final session of the afternoon was a blank, so I offered it to her instead. Gracie accepted with alacrity.

About to leave, she said, "See. You must like me or you would not have changed my lesson time."

"Go away" I snarled and off she skipped.

Still a marked lack of trembling and awe in my presence, I note.

Whilst Paul and I were chatting and before Gracie turned up, Amy's friend from last week came to ask about her guitar lesson. I learned her name - Gabriella.

"Gabby, "I said, "if you come with The Freak after school again, I have Maltesers for you." Came the reply, "Yummy. I will be there."

Amy failed to turn up for her timetabled lesson. It is during her GCSE music class, so I guessed that she was involved and had forgotten. We had another post-school session booked, so it didn't really matter.

Gracie had her lesson last thing and was still in the room when Amy and Gabby turned up. Amy apologised for missing earlier and explained that she had indeed got involved with something and forgot.

"No problem darling, "I replied. Then I looked at Gabby and asked, "Should I give her a detention for missing her lesson?"It turns out that Amy and Gabby are besties, and one thing that besties are always trying to do is get their pal into trouble. "Oh yes, please. Please do. Please. Please. Please" came the unhesitating reply.

"Shut up slave" demanded Amy. She turned to me and explained, "She is my slave, and so has to do what I tell her to do."

Gracie had been watching all this and intervened plaintively, "At least he only wants to give you a detention. He wanted to eat me earlier."

I had a photocopy to do for Amy, so I left them all to entertain themselves. Gracie was still there when I arrived back.

"I am still here," she announced.

"So I see. Go away."

"They have been teasing me because I do not know who Brian May is."

Time for some help, so I chimed in with, "Not to worry darling. I have no idea whom Brian May is either."

A highly affronted Gabby exclaimed, "He is the lead singer with The Queen."

Now, colossal musical snob that I am, even I know that The Queen is/was one of the most popular groups of all time. Thingy is, teens have an established world view that has themselves at the epicentre of said world. They are utterly convinced they are right about everything and that they are the final arbiter of all conceivable tastes. I love challenging this view.

So I replied, "Who? I know who Queen Elizabeth is, but never knew she had a lead singer."

Clearly dealing with an idiot, an exasperated Gabby intoned, "No. The Queen. The group."

"Never heard of them."

"You must have done" and then reeled off the names of several songs. I genuinely hadn't heard of any of them.

I fixed her with my best teen-squashing gimlet glare and asked, "Are you familiar with Rachmaninov's third piano concerto?"

"No. Of course not."

"Why not? It is one of the greatest concerti ever composed. How can you possibly have missed it?"

Gabby is a standard issue 14 year old, so I doubt she has even heard of Rachmaninov and probably wouldn't recognise a piano concerto if it wore a tee shirt with, "I am a piano concerto" emblazoned on its front.

"How about Beethoven's fourth piano concerto? Many authoritative figures regard it as his greatest."

This was greeted by a look of blank incomprehension. "His Eroica symphony? Bach's B minor Mass? Anything a remotely intelligent human being would know intimately?" Talk about stretching a point until it breaks - I am not familiar with the B minor Mass.

That did it. Gabby stuck her fingers into her ears, adopted a sing-song voice and came out with, "Nurby nurby nurby. I win. I win. I win. You lost. You lost. You lost. You lost the argument." So much for the gimlet glare.

I used the Nuclear Option. "Shut up or I will eat the Maltesers. I will eat them in front of you. Slowly and with great relish."

Instant silence. Gabby does not know me, and so was unable to work out if I was serious.

Gracie had been watching all this with great amusement and muttered, "She did win you know." "Out" I roared, gesturing to the distant door. Huge grin, then exit from the room.

Asked Gabby, "Can I have my Maltesers now, please?" I tossed her the packet, sat her in the comfy chair at the teacher's desk and settled down with Amy.

Come the end of the session and with us all packing up I asked, "What are you two going to do now?"

Amy replied, "She is going to do slave-girl stuff in my basement."

I said, "Be harsh. She deserves it. You know how best to control a slave girl?"

"Whip her. You should see the scars on her back already."

They wandered off. I left a few minutes later and passed them happily ensconced in The Shame of the Black Hole of Calcutta. Gabby was making random-sounding noises on the piano, whilst Amy was strumming her beloved Ukulele. I am certain that the two efforts were not linked. They looked content.

[SteveHopwood]

Some happy excerpts from last week:

Tuesday:
I pitched up in 149 this afternoon to be greeted by the usual group of Y12 girls. Somehow, Georgina got onto telling me how aggressive some of Y7 (rising 12) kids are. "They think nothing of pushing us into a wall."

I needed a photocopy and was about to go to the machine when Y7 Gracie appeared. I called across to Georgina, "Gracie is a Y7."

I returned and took Gracie up the corridor to The Shame of the Black Hole of Calcutta so the older ones could carry on doing their stuff. On the way I asked, "Did Georgina explain my remark?"

"Yes."

"I am sure you do not push Y12 students into walls."

All I got in return was an evil grin.

Amy came for an extra lesson later on. Charlie should have pitched up at the end of it but there was no sign of him. "Good," announced Amy. "I don't like him."

Then she thought for a few seconds and continued, "Sometimes I like him. I don't like him when he is being a complete nob. Unfortunately, that is most of the time."

Then she gave me the smile I work hard to gain and asked winsomely, "Can I stay for his lesson as well please?"

We had a most enjoyable double session.


Thursday:
Charlie is starting to respond to the detailed demands of performance at GCSE level. Granted these are rock-bottom pre-basic by professional standards but demanding for those who have not enjoyed high-quality private tuition from the age of 6. He gave a pleasing performance of the piece we have been working on - from memory as well.

I had Maltesers in my case for Gabby to eat during Amy's after school lesson. In fact, Amy had hit the sick list during the day and been sent home, so no extra post-school lesson.

Paul and I were wandering out of the building when Gabby appeared from The Shame of the Black Hole of Calcutta and informed me of Amy's absence. We were about to part when an idea came to me so I stopped her and said, "Just because Amy is being a pathetic and weedy wuss doesn't mean you need to miss out on your Maltesers." I dove into my case and handed them over.

"Nice one, Sir. Thanks." Then she looked at Paul, tapped the bag meaningfully, grinned and said, "Take note." Gabby fled before Paul could find something to throw at her.

[SteveHopwood]

I had a lovely afternoon in school. I only taught two pupils, but what gorgeous ones they are.

I arrived knowing that two of the kids would be missing for certain - Alice and Nikki are now on 'study leave' for their GCSE exams - and that the only two I would see would be Dommy and Lauren, last pair of the afternoon. I was hoping to bump into either Sam or Amy so I could give them some extra time.

I passed The Shame of the Black Hole of Calcutta and saw through the window that Amy was in there with Gabby and Sophie.

The school has a strict food policy; it is only to be eaten in the dining room. This is understandable - kids can make a horrible mess. Having spotted Amy, I wanted to offer an extra piano lesson and so opened the door.

There was a hurried and surreptitious hiding away of stuff, followed by exaggerated expressions of innocence. Actually, it would be hard to find three more innocent kids than those three.

I glared sternly around the room and snarled, "You lot are eating illegally." Gabby and Sophie do not yet know me well and so looked slightly apprehensive. Amy now has me summed up completely and said with a grin, "We are eating apples. Entirely healthy." Three hands offered up for inspection well-chewed apples.

"Hmmmmmmm," said I, "Don't let any of the Killer Teachers here catch you eating anything at all in this room. There would be detentions all round."

"No sir," came that usual cute chorus that is characteristic of the age group.

Gabby decided to try her luck. "Have you brought me Maltesers, sir?"

"No darling. Those are for Thursday if you come with Amy after school. I should be handing out detentions for munching apples in here, so I can hardly allow you to stuff yourself with Malteses."

"Awwwwe."

I offered Amy an extra piano lesson and she accepted with alacrity. I told her to come down to 149 and we would arrange it. I wandered off to 149 to be met by the usual motley crew of musical reprobates. Guitarist Billy was one of them and Paul had already asked me to prepare him for the aural section of his G6 guitar, so we set a session up for Thursday. I have a huge wind-up planned for that, but more of that later in the week.

The bell went and Motley Crew of Musical Reprobates wandered off to their first lesson of the afternoon, to be replaced by Amy, Gabby and Sophie. I looked at my timetable and saw that I was indeed free for a hour. "What lesson have you got now, Amy?"

"Physics."

"So a piano lesson right now would suit you?"

"Oh yes please."

I told the other two to go off to their next lesson. Sophie is new to all this and does not know me at all; she was looking slightly confused at this point. Gabby decided to try her luck again. "Can we all stay, please."

My thoughts went back to that afternoon that Megan and Amy were playing Furry Elephants when they should have been back in class, shuddered gently at the image of a senior manager walking in on three of them who should have been back in a lesson and replied, "No sweetheart. We could all get into trouble."

"Awwwe. Please."

"No."

"Pleeeeeeaaaassssssee."

"No."

"Perllllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeee".

"Go away or there are no Maltesers on Thursday."

Gabby was off like a shot, leaving a now thoroughly confused Sophie in her wake. "Best to follow her darling, " I told Sophie. Off she went.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Neither Amy nor I are intellectual power-houses. I am familiar with the feeling of total helplessness with which Amy approaches Physics. She has clearly already given up all hope of progress in the subject so my conscience is clear in devoting the entire period to her piano lesson. It was productive.

The bell went for the next lesson and I sent her away. Dommy pitched up a few minutes later. There is a UK comedy called, "Red Dwarf" - a comic sci-fi spoof about a group of people lost in space. There is an episode where they land on a planet where everything happens in reverse.

This made its way into Dommy's session somehow. I said to him, "Think about it Dommy. You are 14 and I am 67, yet on a time going backwards planet, you would have lived longer than me and I would have longer to go than you because you would be closer to infant-hood than me."

He thought for a second and then said, "Yes. We would be born old and gradually become younger and younger."

"Yep," I replied. "I would have been born old, decrepit and dribbling into my soup."

Quick as a flash, "So what's the difference in you between then and now?"

That called for a high five.

[SteveHopwood]

Wonderful stuff happened in school last Thursday. Here goes as I told Tommaso in my nightly pm's to him:

---------------------------
I arrived in school this afternoon and flogged up the stairs, then arrived panting at Paul's doorway en route to my own room.

I leaned in through the door to say hi and we chatted for a couple of minutes. I became aware of A Presence hovering behind me. I asked of Paul, "I sense A Presence hovering behind me. Am I correct?"

"Yes."

"Is it an acceptable life form, or is it a teen?"

Paul has learned to go with the flow on these occasions. "A teen."

"One of mine or one of yours?"

"One of yours."

"Tell it to go away unless it is a Gracie. We already know she will not go away."

Paul looked beyond me and said, "Go away."

I paused for a few seconds and then asked, "Has it gone away?"

"No."

I turned and was faced with Charlie. "Ehup Sam," I intoned, "What do you want?" My calling him Sam was a genuine mistake. I have a problem recalling names - always have done. Somehow, for whatever reasons buried deep within the insanity represented by my psyche, I had concluded I was dealing with a Sam.

"I want to know what time my piano lesson is."

"I don't know what time your piano lesson is. I do not have any Sam's on my list of victims."

Charlie sighed patiently and waited. A chortling Paul broke in with, "He is Charlie."

"I know he is Charlie," I replied, "so why is he trying to convince me that his name is Sam?"

"I am not," came a slightly exasperated Charlie. "You are the one who used Sam first."

"So why am I thinking you are Sam? It has to be your fault."

"Please sir, can you just tell me what time my piano lesson is. Please."

"No. Look it up on the notice board 5 metres up the corridor."

Charlie stuck to his guns. "Yes sir, but what it says on the notice board and what you have arranged are rarely the same."

Fair point, so I took him along to room 149, where we were met by the usual Motley Crew of Musical Reprobates. "Ehup folks," I called out. "Ehup Sir" chorused the reply.

"I need your attention people," I called out. "This thing stood next to me thinks its name is Charlie. I think its name is Sam. What is it called?"

Most of the Motley Crew are in Charlie's year so they chorused, "Charlie."

I turned to Charlie and said, "Stop trying to convince me that your name is Sam, OK?" He just gave me That Smile. I dug my timetable out of my briefcase and studied it. "I.30 Charlie - in a couple of minutes."

"No it isn't" he replied, pointing to the timetable. "That is next week. It is 2.10 this week. That is not what it says on the notice board."

"So go away and stop bothering me until 2.10." Charlie sighed patiently, gave me That Smile again, and wandered off. He is a very patient young man.

----------------------------

First victim of the afternoon, Gracie, had wandered in through all of this. This child is only 12 but has the mind of a 15 year old and so relates far better to The Motley Crew than she does to her own age group. She has a wicked sense of humour.

I needed another quick word with Paul to confirm that I had booked Billy in for some aural test preparation, so I told Gracie I would be back in a few seconds. On my return, I found G the centre of The Motley Crew's attention; MC had just burst into laughter.

Amy said, "You are a 12 year old of pure evil."

I knew instantly whom she was talking about. "No she isn't," I called out.

"Yes I am," replied Gracie.

-----------------

I have arranged to give fabulous guitarist Billy some help with the aural tests for his upcoming exam. He had already said, "So long as I don't have to sing, I will be fine." One of the reasons Paul and I use the exam board we do is because the aural tests do not require singing.

I could not resist a wind-up, so come our first practise on Thursday I said to Billy, "Ummmm. Bad news I am afraid. The syllabus has changed. The aural tests are mostly singing now."

His face fell, but here is the thingy with Billy; nothing really fazes him. I am sure that if we stuck him in the middle of a 4 part choir singing Bach's B minor mass and told him to sing the tenor part, he would give it his best shot.

So I played him an 8 bar piece twice and said that he had to remember and sing back the melody line. He made a more than passable attempt even though 8 bars of melody is a huge amount to remember.

Then I told him that he had to sing back the bass line after I had played it twice more. I defy anybody to do that given the complexity of the bass line and so Billy was clueless.

This magnificent young man was awe-inspiring. He didn't grumble. He didn't pull faces. He really, really tried. When I described his attempt as, "Pathetic", he merely grinned at me. I will be extremely harsh with my self if I do ever upset him.

Time to stop wasting time so I said, "Billy, in light of what I am about to tell you, you may then say or do whatever you want to me without fear of any retribution whatsoever."

That alone probably told him all that he needed to know and that what followed was what he expected. "The last five minutes were merely a wind-up. The aural tests are nothing like what you have just been trying to do."

Billy didn't swear at me, slap me or throw anything at me. Instead he looked at me calmly and merely said, "Good".

I hope I do not ever have to try to persuade Billy to do anything ridiculous because he will never believe me ever again.

-----------------

The end of the school day came and I was to be joined by Amy and Gabby. Gabby is coming to trust me. I needed a quick word with School Music Teacher Sir and so passed them both in the corridor as they headed towards my room. "

"Do you have my Maltesers?" asked Gabby sweetly, as we met.

"I ate them," I snarled back. "Go away."

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did."

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did."

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did."

"No you didn't."

I gave up and replied, "No I didn't, but go away anyway."

"No Sir" came the response as she and Amy made their way to 149 to await their sweeties.

Gabby sat and munched her way quietly through a large bag of Maltesers whilst I did my stuff with Amy. The kids in this school are amazing. Any number of times I have had a fairly large group of kids in the room whilst I have been teaching and not once have any of them been disruptive. Gabby on her own was no different.

Come the end of our session and none of us were anxious to escape, so we sat around chatting.

Gabby informed me that she is in fact Romanian. Nothing about her had ever previously suggested that she was anything other than English.

I asked her how long she had been living here, and four years came the answer. This was stunning to me as her spoken English is perfect.

I remarked on this. I added, "Gabby, you are coming to understand me but I want to make sure of one thing."

"Yes Sir?"

"Two thingies really. First of all; I only ever mean the kind thingies that I say. Second of all, the cruel thingies I say are only ever teasing. Do you trust that the reality you will meet from me will only ever be kind and supportive?"

Without hesitation came, "Yes Sir. I do."

Awwwwe.

[SteveHopwood]

Some happy events from last week:


Tuesday:

Gracie wandered in 10 minutes early this afternoon. She has exams next week and did not want to go to a History revision session. She sat quietly whilst I played Amy a couple of pieces so she could chose one to start with me on Thursday.

Then Gracie asked, "How can you remember all these pieces?" These kids have no concept of keyboard virtuosity and so have no understanding of how good I am. Even so, I could not resist a tease.

"Young lady," I replied sternly, "I am an epically talented pianist with a repertoire that would boggle your imagination. I would last have found the stuff you lot are playing difficult when I was 5 - and probably not all that difficult even then."

I am revising Beethoven's Pathetique and keep a copy in my case for those blank spells when I am lacking victims. I took it out, opened it up and passed it across to her saying, "This is the sort of piece that I play."

"How many pieces are there in here?"

"One. It is in three parts with a short break in between the first two, but it is all one piece. It takes around about 20 minutes to play all the way through.

Gracie stared in awe at the masses of black covering the first page. She shuddered delicately after a few seconds, closed the copy and said, "I think I will stick to my own pieces for now."

"Good plan, poppet."

---------------------

Thursday:

I needed a quick word with guitar teacher Paul yesterday after school, so I was a few minutes late for Amy's extra after-school lesson. She was waiting with Gabby and another young lady.

"Ehup angels" I intoned. "Have you brought my Maltesers?" asked Gabby.

"Yes, but whether you get them or not depends on Amy. Amy, does Gabby deserve them?"

"NO," came the unhesitating reply. "She has been a bad slave this week. She has been really disobedient and done nothing useful."

"So no, Gabby, you cannot have any Maltesers."

"Awwwwwe. Pleeeeeease."

"OK." I handed them over and gave Amy her Oreos. I turned to Young Lady no 3 and said who had watched all this in some bemusement and said, "Sorry darling. I have nothing for you - I was not expecting Amy would try to pretend that she has two friends."

Amy said, "It's OK. She can share mine."

"What is your name poppet?" I asked.

"Megan" came the reply. Another Megan to bug me. I said, "Make yourself at home Megan. Join us around the piano or tuck yourself up in a corner somewhere. Whatever you want to do."

Came the wonderful reply, "I shall hide under this table" and underneath said table she disappeared. "Standard teen nutter again," I thought to myself. Megan emerged from time to time to help herself to one of Amy's Oreos but otherwise spent her time happily texting on her phone from her hidden position under the table.

The girls were packing up to go and somehow some of their fellow pupils' inability to spell 'Asia' came up. Some were inserting an 'i' into the spelling i.e. 'Aisia'. I have seen it spelled this way when used as a name for girls - I have even seen it spelled with a 'y' as in 'Aysia'.

I mentioned this and Gabby's response was masterfully dismissive. "That is because their parents cannot spell."

[SteveHopwood]

My next door neighbour is Maggie. I noticed a small child sized ball in the garden and guessed it belonged to one of the grandchildren. I went out into the garden and heard voices beyond the adjoining fence, so I called out, "Ball coming over folks" and tossed it over. "Thanks Steve" came from Maggie. I heard her say, "What do you say Emily?"

A tiny voice called over the fence, "Thank you Steve". Nothing to do with my day job, but a cute story.

Back to last Thursday:

Gracie demonstrated the evil side of her personality. She made a daft mistake and I told her to do something outrageous for retribution. "I absolutely refuse" came back the totally understandable response. Some of the GCSE music students needed 149 to rehearse an ensemble so we were in The Dungeon and I knew that Amy was next door with a couple of fellow students.

I snarled, "Refuse an outrageous instruction again and I will go next door and slap Amy."

Gracie grinned hugely and replied, "Please give me lots of outrageous instructions so I can refuse to do them. Pleeeeaaaaase."

Earlier in the afternoon, Amy was using me as her usual bolt-hole from Physics. Lauren had a lesson, then Charlie. Amy sat cross-legged on one of the tables for the entire time - 40 minutes. I would have needed help to get up after 10, let alone 40. I offered her the comfy teacher's chair but she replied, "No thanks. I am happy here."

Amy was due her actual lesson after Charlie. His ended 10 minutes before the start of the final period of the afternoon. I said to him, "Your next lesson is in the next room. It is a long walk back to the Physics class you are missing, so would you prefer to stay here instead?"

He wanted to stay and settled down cross legged on the table that Amy had just vacated. I offered him the comfy teacher's chair but he replied, "No thanks. I am happy here."

So last week I had Megan hiding underneath the table. This week Amy and Charlie sitting cross-legged on top of it. I wonder if any of the kids in this school use the chairs provided?

[SteveHopwood]

Here are a handful of events from last week:

Tuesday:
I was consigned to The Dungeon today. Amy walked in for a lesson this afternoon and announced, "I have just banged my head on a door, very hard."

"Awwwwe sweetheart. Are you OK?"

"I did it deliberately."

I sighed and asked, with a due sense of dread and despair, "Why?"

"I was trying to make a musical sound."

"By banging your head hard on a door?"

"Yes."

"You are an idiot, child. You cannot make musical sounds by banging your head on a door. All that comes from that is a headache, probably concussion and possible brain damage."

Amy grinned and replied, "Yes. I know that now."

"Why me?" I asked myself.

We settled down for the lesson. Charlie poked his head around the door and asked if there was an extra lesson going for him as well; he could have the next spot.

The Dungeon is about the size of a broom cupboard for brooms with stunted growth. With a piano and three chairs, it becomes full quite quickly when the space has to accommodate people as well. Charlie returned, announcing himself with, "Boo".

Amy stood up to leave so I asked her, "Where are you going now?" "To hide from Physics" came the expected reply.

"Stay here sweetheart. Let's have you where an allegedly responsible adult can keep an eye on you." She sat back down with considerable haste and I settled in with Charlie.

Gracie pitched up her usual 10 minutes early and wandered in. "It is getting a tad crowded in here," I grumbled. "See if you can find a bit of floor to squat on." Gracie relates better to kids a few years older than her and she and Amy have a great relationship. She shoved Amy half off the chair and sat on it with her.

The occasional giggle apart, I heard nothing more from them. Come the end of Charlie's session he announced, "I am staying here until my next lesson." This was fair enough as his next lesson was only five minutes away and it would take that long to get to the end of Physics - especially if he adopted the Dominic Walk.

Amy had reclaimed sole ownership of the chair, so Charlie demanded, "Utch up."

"No," came the stern reply. "Sit on the floor. It is where you belong." Charlie is not one to go in for pushing and shoving, so he merely did as he was told.

I want Gracie to do her G1 piano exam next year. Never mind the details but her mum is a PITA and the best way to ensure that G can continue to learn with me is to show PITA that there are concrete outcomes to continued piano lessons. Mum belongs to that group of lunatics currently prevailing in the UK who believe that subjecting kids to relentless academic pressure is going to turn out rounded human beings at the end of the process.

And probably bemoans the figures when statistics show one third of UK teens have mental health problems.

And is the idiot who insists that her daughter uses a keyboard that was rubbish in the 1970's and took three months to find a power cable for the damn thing. Need I rant further?

So I pitched up with the relevant exam book. The kids have to choose three from about nine pieces. I said to G, "I will play all of them to you. Announce to each in turn that you: will definitely learn it; will learn it if stuck for choice; would rather be tortured than be forced to learn it."

All exam books contain loathsome pieces that only a lunatic would choose to play. Come the first and Gracie announced, "Torture. Definitely."

I pointed out that there are many and varied forms of torture; physical; mental; emotional. I asked which one she would prefer.

Gracie grinned evilly and replied, "My choice is equal in terms of suffering. It is mental and emotional."

With a sense of what was about to come I asked, "So what is it?"

"Extra piano lessons with you." Yep. Sense realised.

That called for a high-five.


Thursday:
I was consigned to The Dungeon again today. I was awaiting my first victim, Lauren, when the bell went for the start of afternoon classes. I saw Amy's friends Gabby and Sophie making their way up to the Chemistry lab - somewhere Amy has sworn she will never visit again unless her Chem teacher is changed.

I sighed to myself and went to find Amy. I would rather keep her where I can keep an eye on her. In fact, she was hovering just outside the door. She looked at me hopefully out of those trusting, loving eyes. "Come on in sweetheart. Let's keep you somewhere safe."

In fact, Lauren did not turn up so I spent the time teaching Amy. Gracie was due next. At one point, Amy kept on making some silly and basic mistakes. I said, "How about I slap you whenever you go wrong?"

Quick as a flash the little madam replied with a wicked grin, "Save them up and give them to Gracie instead."

Right at the start of all this came, "Boo". Yep, it was Charlie come to check on the time of his lesson. "I wrote it on your music pass last week," I intoned sternly.

"I know," replied the cheeky so-and-so, "but you hardly ever get it right so I like to check."

So we checked and I had written the correct time for him. "Ha," I crowed. "Go away and do not bother me again until 2.30"

Gracie didn't turn up so the poor love must be sick - she never misses - so I spent the time with Amy. Then came Amy's timetabled lesson. I finally managed to get rid of her after an hour and sent her to her GCSE music class. At least she enjoys that. We had our usual after-school extra as well; she must have been thoroughly sick of the sight of me by the time she staggered home.

Last week and this, guitarist Billy was supposed to come for the last 15 minutes of the school day, for some practise for the Aural section of his G6. He turned up on neither occasion.

I can understand why. The last class on Thursday is a GCSE music class, so he will have been engaged in something far more appealing. It doesn't really matter either; he will be fine so long as we get a couple of sessions. I collared him as he left the music room.

Billy's face fell when he saw me and remembered where he should have been for the last 15 minutes. "I am really sorry. I just forgot."

"Not to worry, "I reassured him. "I could have come to get you." <small sigh of relief>. We arranged a session after school on Tuesday. "Fail to turn up to that one and I will give you a detention for wasting my time."

Billy can never be a poker player. Paul was with me throughout this. We saw a brief struggle before Billy's face cleared and he replied, "No you won't."

"True. Tell you what though. I will have a bag of Malteasers for you if you do turn up."

"Excellent plan, sir."

[SteveHopwood]

There was a shortage of victims last week - it is that time of the year here in the UK. I have some stories for you folks even so - some funny, others just pleasant. Enjoy.


Tuesday
School was as near as it is possible to come to being a waste of time today. Nobody thought to tell me that it was Awards Afternoon and that the entire school would be at this event.

I only found out when I wandered along to the music teacher to ask him to send Charlie to me if C wanted an extra piano lesson. As it happens, Charlie wandered into the room at that moment.

"Ehup Charlie."

"Ehup Sir."

Charlie came and sat with us and we chatted for a few minutes. It was lovely to see this 14 year old boy totally at ease with us, and completely trusting that we value and enjoy his company. It turned out that we had half an hour before the start of the Awards Afternoon, so I gave him a piano lesson and then came home.

So, not a funny story but a happy one at least.

Weds:
A lady I teach privately arrived for her lesson this afternoon with her mum in tow. Mum cannot live on her own any longer and so comes with lady every week. She and my 20 year old moggie Brainbox are firm besties. We parked mum on the sofa. BB came bounding in from the garden and leaped onto mum's lap.

Come the end of the lesson, lady walked outside towards the car, so I went with her. She sat in the car and started the engine. "Have you forgotten anything, by any chance?" I asked mildly.

L thought for a few seconds and then exclaimed, "Oh my God. I have forgotten mum."

As I so often remark to people I replied, "You cannot remember everything."

Thurs:
I arrived in 149 today to be met by The Usual Motley Crew of Musical Reprobates. My call of, "Ehup folks," was greeted with the usual chorus of, "Ehup Sir."

A few seconds passed. "Boo".

"What do you want?" I snarled.

"To check my lesson time, " replied Charlie. I sighed patiently, theatrically took the timetable from my briefcase and shoved it in front of him.

That is when I discovered I had given him the wrong time last week. Charlie was not triumphalist. He merely gave me that smile and wandered off.

Thursday is after school extra lesson time with Amy. Gabby is in attendance and bags of sweeties all round.

Gabby informed me, "Amy isn't in school today."

"Thanks darling."

"Can I still have my Maltesers please?"

My brain thought, "Cheeky sod." My gob said, "Would you like them now or at the end of the day?"

"Now please." <sweet smile> I handed them over.

I had arranged with GCSE music teacher to take Billy for a long aural tests practise for his G6 guitar exam. All but one of our previous attempts at a practise had failed and the exam is on Tuesday, so this practise was really needed.

Billy's Y9 music group have bought into my sense of humour. Sir has been trying to coax an ensemble recording out of them for a while. For reasons I will not bore you with, 149 is the best room in which to do such a recording.

One of the girls appeared in the doorway and announced, "Sorry Sir, but we need the room for a recording."

"Well you can't have it, so go away."

The microphone can have a devastating effect on kids and they hate making recordings. Not all of them appreciate the benefit of recorded performance assessment over the rather drastic play-it-NOW-and-pass-or-fail approach. These kids are 14 and living in a not wealthy area; not many of them have taken graded music exams.

But these kids are coming to know me, so child no 1 naturally ignored me and entered the room anyhow. She was followed by three of her classmates. "You cannot have this room," I snarled. "I am using it. Go away."

Much quicker on the uptake, these three fled back up the corridor announcing to Sir amongst gales of laughter, "We cannot do the recording Sir. Sir won't let us have the room."

"Yes he will," replied Sir. "He was teasing."

Really eager to avoid the microphone came from one of them, "No he wasn't Sir. He really, really meant it."

I was wandering up the corridor to collect Billy at this point, so I said, "No I didn't. I shall take Billy to The Dungeon."

Billy is one of the most popular kids you could ever meet, so obviously there were gleeful statements such as, "Best place for him." "All he deserves." "Put him away for life."

"Awwwwwwe."

Friday:
An exhausted G pitched up for a piano lesson this afternoon. He was on Work Experience this week.

Work Experience is something that UK schools inflict upon their 15 year olds in the year before they take their first set of career-defining exams (GCSE) at 16, in 12 months time.

Work Experience is described in flowing terms in the literature but its real purpose is far more stark. Its true purpose is to show lazy, over-indulged, futuristically clueless and pampered teens that work is mostly crap. Not many people are lucky enough to have jobs like mine but I worked long and hard to be able to fulfil it; this truism is way beyond the experience of your average UK teen. Not all of them of course; some are not wet and pathetic.

Few of them have the get up and go to find a decent placement and so end up in: retail where they discover it is physically wearing as well as mindlessly boring; an office, where they discover that 'office work' is mindlessly boring; 'serving the public', where they discover that 99.9% of 'the public' are aresholes. The point of Work Experience is to show the idle little layabouts that life without qualifications is bollocks.

I may have mentioned before that whilst I adore teens, I am not blind to their weaknesses.

G is different. He has two clearly defined future paths. He might be a lawyer, or he might be a vet. He is not yet decided on which path, and may even change his mind, but at least has has some goals. So, he arranged Work Experience at a veterinary practise - where he had a wonderful week.

The week concluded with watching a C section on a doggie with an inside full of 13 pups. Doggie was never going to push them out alone, hence the operation. All 13 were delivered safely and mum has yet to discover just what a toil she has created for herself.

So an exhausted but highly satisfied young man pitched up for his piano lesson. I could not drag much out of him so often did conversation veer back to his recent experiences but never mind. It was wonderful to see the enthusiasm that his week had kindled inside him.

[SteveHopwood]

This was the final week of the academic year, so there will not be much to relate until September. This final week provided some highlights, so here they are.

Tuesday:
I had Gracie booked in for 1.10 pm and arrived at school for about 12.50. Gracie appeared at 1.00 announcing, "I am in French and hate it, so I have come down 10 minutes early."

Amy arrived at 1.30 and Gracie said, "I have History now and have not done the homework. I will get a detention if I go back to class. Can I stay down here, please?"

It is the last week of the summer term. The kids should not be getting homework let alone detentions for not doing it so I replied, "Of course. Just look as though you are doing something useful in case The Boss walks in."

Gracie and Amy have become great buddies, so the insults flowed freely. I told Amy to try a bit of a new piece without any help from me. She replied, "I won't be able to."

"Tell you what," I offered. "Make a reasonable job of it and I will stab Gracie with the sharp end of the pencil." A brief investigation of the pencil revealed a satisfying degree of sharpness so Amy replied, "I will try very, very hard."

"Oy" came the cry from my right.

Charlie missed his 2.10 slot so I spent it with Amy so she didn't have to go back to Physics. The bell went for the final lesson of the afternoon; Gracie was still in evidence so I shooed them away. In walked Dommy.

"Boo" came the call a couple of minutes into the lesson. "You have missed it Charlie, "I said. "Your lesson was 2.10 not 2.30.

"You wrote down 2.30," he insisted. Obviously he was right. "Tell you what, "I offered, "have two on Thursday." I showed him the timetable and he picked a blank spot. "Hand me your music pass and I will write down the time for you," I said.

Charlie smiled that smile and replied, "No thanks Sir. Best if I do it myself."

--------------------

Thursday:
Remember how I once thought I had no chance of winning the trust of Amy? I could not have been more wrong. These days, she looks at me out of trusting and loving eyes that I once thought were impossible to come to see. You have to experience that sort of trust from somebody elses' child, to appreciate how special it is. The smile that was once so rare that I would do anything to gain, is now the default expression.

I had flogged up the stairs and was collapsed in Paul's teaching room during his lunch break, chatting about nothing much in particular. He looked beyond me and said, "There is A Presence hovering in the doorway. It looks like she wants you."

"Tell it to go away."

"Go away."

A brief pause then, "She is not going away."

I looked up and Amy said, "Not sure what time my lesson is because we did not write it in my lesson pass, so I have come for it now. Besides, I don't want to go to Chemistry."

"I don't care. I hate you. Go away."

This wonderful child just stood there giving me The Eyes. I sighed. "Come on then. Let's go and look up your lesson time."

So we wandered down to 149 to look up how much time I needed to pretend that Amy was usefully taking up in my presence, should a Big Boss pitch up and demand to know why she was not in Chemistry.

It was quite a long time, which was a bit awkward but I long ago came to two conclusions. Whilst this blasted child is with me she is: safe; learning something. Who knows what might happen else?

Also, it should have been Charlie's lesson and he was not there so why not teach Amy? We settled down to work. There were some Y12's already in the room so I asked Amy if she was ok or would prefer to move to the Dungeon. She was happy to stay put.

Half a dozen of The Motley Crew wandered in a few minutes later. I said to them, "I am teaching, but am happy for you to stay so long as you keep your din down to a dull roar." "No thanks," replied Billy. "We will to go the Dungeon" and off they wandered.

"Boo." He was a few minutes late, was all. I settled Amy into the teacher's chair next to the piano and set off with Charlie.

Gracie wandered in. "Greetings and warmth to all and sundry of you Great People." Her actual speech was much more florid and effective than my pathetic recollection of what she actually said; I do not recall the detail and merely try to give an impression. Think the novels of Jane Austen and early 19th century English politeness.

"Felicitations to you, darling child."

"I have come early because I do not want to go to my lesson."

I sighed and sat her down sharing the teacher's chair with her pal Amy. The occasional giggle apart, Charlie and I heard nothing further from them. I only sweated a bit; it was the last but one day of term so I reckoned that no Big Boss was likely to appear and demand to know why my room was full of skiving kids.

Come the end of Charlie's lesson and I asked him, "Do you want to stay until the start of your next class or escape immediately?"

Came a gale of girlie giggles from the teacher's chair. Charlie glanced across dismissively and muttered, "I am off. Good luck with those two."

Charlie wandered off shaking his head in despair and Gracie took his place.

There is a printer behind the teacher's chair. From time to time, Amy would have something printed off, two copies every time. She would carefully fold one of them into four and slip it into Gracie's pocket.

"What is she putting in my pocket?" muttered G at one point.

"No idea," I replied.

"Is it a bomb?"

"Doubt it darling. Bombs are not usually made of paper."

Come the end of the lesson and Amy triumphantly showed us her copies of the pics she had been printing, folding and inserting into her pal's pocket. "Any idea what they are about?" asked G to me. "Not a clue sweetheart."

A highly aggrieved Amy announced the title of the film they were from. "Eh?" asked G. "Whut?" asked I. Amy merely looked at the pair of us in dismay at our woeful ignorance.

Ending Gracie's lesson was hard for both of us. I thought at the start of the year that mum was a hugely supportive high achiever. She turns out merely to be an idiot; remember the keyboard fiasco? Gracie is desperate to continue lessons next year. I am equally keen for her to continue.

Mum is not allowing this on the ludicrous grounds that the next academic year is, "Year 8 graduation year." The significance of this is not something that G has been able to drag from her benighted parent and is hidden from both G and I. I am not going to start a rant because said rant would make the worst of my SHF diatribes look like the ultimate in all time praise. Suffice to say that this stupid woman is robbing her daughter of something that G really wants to do and I am very, very angry about it. Best not to continue.

Next up was Amy's session, with its usual moments of Amy insanity. Pure class was when she failed to recognise middle C on the stave. I glared at her and snarled, "Are you trying to tell me that you still cannot recognise middle C?" She looked at me out of Those Eyes, giggled and said, "Oops."

"Boo" announced Charlie's second lesson of the afternoon. Being the last but one day of school, I had assumed that Amy would not want one after school, but had taken Maltesers and Orios with me just in case. "I am coming after school," announced Amy. "OK." Off she wandered.

Charlie has worked wonders in recent months, so I was able to send him away feeling highly pleased with himself.

Amy and Gabby pitched up at the end of the day so I doled out the sweeties. It was hot and both our brains were fried but we managed 30 minutes or so. We managed to complete the new piece we had started last Thursday and Amy could play it with reasonable fluency. Not great and a long way away from where she needs to be in 18 months time, but light years away from where she was when missing vast chunks of time in the lead up to Christmas - when I was doubting my ability to win her trust.

We finished and wandered up the corridor together, the girls in front. It is always brilliant to hear two teen besties chatting together and the abuse flowed freely from one to another. We parted to a sweet chorus of, "See you sir" and my reply of, "Have a great summer break angels. Stay safe."

So that is it for school teen related lunacy this academic year. I am starting to miss them already.